Tuesday, March 1, 2011

He is Changing

One-of-a-Kind is eight years old.  He's changing a little bit each day.  He is playing peek-a-boo with growing older.  I still think of him as my baby.  But, he isn't, really.  He's my oldest and there are three right behind him.  As I walked with him today, I noticed his legs are so much longer than they looked in the fall.  His teeth are straighter thanks to an upper set of braces that have been put on and are about to be taken off.  He is winning the game of peek-a-boo, and I haven't even noticed. 

It seems overwhelming to me to realize this.  It seems sad to me that some of the moments that we had when he was younger, will never be had by us again.  Sure, I can have them with my other sons.  But, this exclusivity with my first born has expired.  Do you hear that?  Silence... my heart and my breath just stood still!

Summers going fast
Nights growing colder
Children growing up
Old friends growing older

Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
- - - Rush "Time Stand Still"

Today, he came home sick.  So, we had the rare experience of having an afternoon together.  I needed some things from the grocery.  We went together.  As we were pulling into our parking space, he decided to ask me about growing up in a home of divorced parents.  We've never really talked about this.  Of course he knows my parents are not married anymore, but he's never let me know he had questions.  He asked, "Was it scary, Mom?"  "Who did you get to live with?"  I was frozen.  I didn't know that he thought about these things.  I knew he had it in him.  I just wasn't ready for the grown-up-ness

When I lump all the boys together, I don't notice the changing and the grown-up-ness in One-of-a-Kind.  But, when he stands alone, I can tell the seasons are melding from one to another.  I am able to realize that time is not standing still, but sprinting past me.  My childhood and growing older was not scary at all, "But yes.  You know what, son?  This part is the scary stuff." 

Letting him be and grow older is what scares me.  I pray that all will be taken care of, and I trust that he will grow from a boy full of love to a man filled with character.  If only I could know for sure.  I guess that takes all of the mystery out of this thing called life, though.  So, trust and prayer are the only things I can hold on to in these uncertain times.  Freeze this moment a little bit longer...Make each sensation a little bit stronger...


Scooper said...

Sigh. Yes, it is hard and beautiful to watch them grow up. Beautifully said.

Nanato4 said...

Oh my, that brought tears to my eyes, as my oldest grandson (my oldest grandchild) turned 9 last month. I've been feeling some of those same thoughts about him (I can only imagine what his mama is thinking). Thank you for sharing.