I loved teaching. I loved getting up each morning and feeling as though I was being productive and making my mark on the world. I know what you are thinking, by staying at home and raising kids, you are making your mark on the world. I know this, but some days it just doesn't feel like it. Some days, I feel like it is a scene from the movie Groundhog Day. My alarm goes off and the new day is going to virtually be the same as the day before...give or take a couple of loads of laundry.
Now: I sometimes don't talk to an adult before noon. Then: I occasionally left the house to make it to work without seeing my child.
Now: I'm envious of other moms that get to work at something they love. Then: I couldn't help but drool when I saw moms in velour jogging suits dropping older siblings off at school with toddlers in the back of the car in pajamas.
Now: I feel like my car is a city bus, dropping members of my family off at various destinations. Then: I would park in my garage exhausted after work and take a short nap in the front seat if the kids were asleep in their car seats.
You see, I'm sitting on the fence not sure which side is better for me. Please don't get me wrong, I am in no way trying to complain. I know that I have been given immeasurable blessings all throughout my life. My heart aches for the women of extreme poverty that are raising their four boys all alone and in dire circumstances. I know that there are many, many heartbreaking stories from the deepest valleys. And, I know that I should remind myself everyday that I am following His plan and all will be laid out for me.
When I was teaching, I constantly felt as though I was accomplishing everything I set my mind to, but never did I feel as though I was completing any of these tasks well. I felt as though I was focusing more time on my students than my own children. When, I would try to reverse those two, I felt like a failure in my career. UUURGGHH! How was I supposed to get it right?
Then, I decided to stay at home with my children and focus upon them all the time. Guess what? I now feel as though I am completing everything that I set my mind to, but never do I feel as though I am completing these tasks well. Constantly, I am wishing my children ate better, read better, had better manners, or my house was cleaner, my laundry put away, etc. UUURGGHH! How am I supposed to get it right?
But, maybe that's just it! Maybe we aren't ever supposed to get it completely right. Who says right is right anyway?!? I can't help but think of Darius Rucker's song, It Won't Be Like This For Long...
It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long
I'm not sure which side of the fence looks greener to me, and maybe I never will. It changes a bit from day to day. But, here is a thought...it is time to get off the fence and just live in the here and now and give thanks for all of the treasures in my life. You see, I am a big believer in living the dream (or the closest thing you get to the dream), rather than always chasing the dream in my head.